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Empire City Times

★ Late Edition ★City & Harbor

All the news we could get

Est. 1908 Vol. CI · No. 12,704 Fifty Cents Page One

A Standing Offer From This Newspaper

The Times Will Pay
For One Clear Photograph

Reward raised for a fourth time after latest submission proves to be a photograph of a hat.

This newspaper has now published four hundred and six articles concerning the masked figure known to readers as the Dragonfly, and has illustrated all four hundred and six of them with the same drawing.

The drawing was made in 1998 by a courtroom sketch artist who was not present at the event she was sketching and who has since asked that her name be removed from it. The Times has honored that request. The drawing remains.

Accordingly, and after a meeting of this newspaper's editorial board that ran to eleven hours, the Times is raising its standing reward for one clear, verifiable photograph of the Dragonfly.

“We are not asking for much,” said Desmond R. Quail, who has served as photo editor of this newspaper since 1994 and who has never once photographed the subject. “We are asking for a photograph. Of him. In focus. That is the entire specification.”

Previous submissions have included a photograph of a heron, a photograph of a different heron, a photograph of the number 14 crosstown bus, and, last Thursday, a photograph of a hat resting on a bollard on Pell Street. The hat was submitted eleven separate times by eleven separate readers, all of whom requested the full reward.

Mr. Quail said the hat was “the closest we have come.”

The Times wishes to be clear that it does not endorse, encourage, or accept any responsibility for the methods by which readers obtain photographs, and asks in particular that readers stop climbing the water tower on Lasker Avenue, which is not municipal property and which is not tall enough.

No Photograph

Our photographer was in position,
on schedule, correctly equipped,
and facing the other way
The Dragonfly, as he has appeared in every edition of this newspaper for ten years. The Times regrets the space and intends to fill it.

$ $ $

A Great Deal of Money

Paid on publication · No questions asked

Send photographs to:

dragpix@empirecitytimes.com

The Times has declined, on advice, to print a figure. The figure exists. The figure is written on the wall beside the specification, in a hand nobody at this newspaper recognises. Herons, hats, weather balloons, and the number 14 crosstown bus are no longer eligible.

This is not a real offer The Empire City Times is a parody website. There is no reward and no money. Nobody is collecting photographs, and the address above is decorative text that reaches no inbox.

Continued on Page 7, Col. 3 — Read the full report


Also in today's edition

Harbor Ferry Returns Early, Empty, and Wet

The 6:40 service completed its crossing in nine minutes, a record, having departed without passengers, crew, or, according to the port authority, a stated reason. Page 8.

Third Depot Reports No Pigeons Whatsoever

Officials continue to deny a pigeon shortage, citing eleven hundred pounds of premium thistle blend delivered to a depot that no longer contains anything to eat it. Page 6.

Parade Float Missing Six Weeks, Waves Occasionally

The Lasker Avenue Merchants' Association float has been sighted twice since August, both times moving south at a steady pace and both times unattended. Page 9.

City news

Public Works

Mayor Opens Bridge That Stops

Ribbon cut on the Vandemeer Crossing, which extends four hundred feet over the harbor and then concludes.

Mayor Cornelius Bray cut the ribbon on the Vandemeer Crossing on Monday, calling it “a bridge this city has waited thirty years for” and declining to say what is on the other end of it.

Nothing is on the other end of it. The structure terminates four hundred feet from the north bank in a railing, a bench, and a sign reading THANK YOU FOR CROSSING.

City engineers confirmed the bridge is structurally sound and described the absence of a far side as “a scheduling matter.”

“The bridge is finished,” said borough engineer Halvard Nim. “The other side is a separate project with a separate budget and, at present, a separate borough.”

The Crossing opened to pedestrians at noon and to cyclists at half past, and was closed at two o'clock after eleven people reached the bench and refused to turn around.

Continued on Page 4

Municipal Affairs

City Hall Clock Runs Backward; Officials Urge Patience

The clock above the City Hall rotunda has been running backward since the ninth of September, a condition the Department of Buildings has classified as “temporary” and has now classified as temporary five times.

The clock is correct twice daily, which the department has described in a written statement as “within tolerance.”

Municipal employees have adapted. The permits office now opens at what it calls four o'clock and closes at what it calls nine, and reports its highest throughput in a decade.

Continued on Page 5

Property

Tower Owner Builds Second Tower So People Climb That One

The water tower at 400 Lasker Avenue has been climbed sixty-eight times since the first of August. Its owner has responded by building a second one, forty feet away and eleven feet taller, with a ladder.

It holds no water and never has. It was put up in eleven days by a contractor told only that it should look worth climbing.

Forty-one of the forty-four climbs recorded since have been of the decoy, an outcome the owner describes as “the first thing to go right this year.”

Nobody has photographed anything from either structure.

Continued on Page 11

City Trade

Telescope Sales Quadruple; Optician Declines to Speculate

Bracknell & Sons Optical of Pell Street has sold more field glasses in eleven weeks than in the preceding nine years, and has stopped asking customers what they intend to look at.

“We used to ask. It was a courtesy,” said Cornelius Bracknell IV. “We stopped asking in August.” Pressed on why, he said the answers had become repetitive.

Returns have risen at almost exactly the same rate. Fourteen entries in the shop's ledger give the reason as works fine.

Continued on Page 3

Transit

Authority Loses Bus, Finds Different Bus, Declares Matter Closed

The Metropolitan Transit Authority confirmed Monday that the number 22 bus, missing since the twelfth of September, has not been recovered, and that a different bus has been.

The recovered vehicle is a number 31 and was not previously reported missing. The Authority has entered it into the fleet as a number 22 and considers the count restored.

“The number is on the front of the bus,” said Authority spokesman Radomir Enkel. “We changed the number. It is now the bus.”

Riders on the 31 route were not immediately available for comment, there being no longer a 31 route.

Letters, almanac, markets and notices

Letters to the Editor

Sir — Your correspondent writes that the Vandemeer Crossing goes nowhere. I have crossed it. I went there. It was pleasant and I have been twice since.— H. Pallandt, Vandemeer Street

Sir — I have now read your reward notice four times and am unable to determine the amount. I have a photograph. I am content to wait until you have decided.— Name withheld, Pell Street

Sir — The rotunda clock is in perfect order. It is the rest of you who are early.— B. Reap, Permits Office

The Almanac

Today's almanac for Empire City
Sunrise7:04 a.m.
Sunset6:21 p.m.
High water11:52 a.m.
Harbor temp.54°F
MoonWaning; unhelpful
Sightings reported31
Photographs obtained0
Consecutive weeks at nil512

Market Report

Selected commodities of local interest
Thistle blend, cwt.↑ 14
Field glasses, 10×50Waiting list
Rooftop access, nightly↑ 31
Ladders, extensionScarce
Papier-mâchéNo change
Bollards, Pell St.Withdrawn

Compiled by this newspaper from sources it has been asked not to identify.

On This Day

1908 — The first edition of this newspaper appeared, four pages, price one cent, containing two corrections.

1931 — The last replacement part for the City Hall rotunda clock was manufactured. Its whereabouts are not recorded.

1974 — A harbor ferry crossed in nineteen minutes while on fire, a record that stood until Monday.

1998 — A courtroom sketch artist drew, from a description, a figure she had not seen. The drawing is still in use.